Saturday, June 22, 2013

An unthought rant.

                I hereby demand that the English language clean up its act.  I do further state that from this point on I shall use an alternate spelling to that end.
                Uuhy, you uuonder?  Uuhat uuould this neuu system be?  Uuell, if you uuill observe these tuuo sentences you uuill uuork out the ansuuer to this mystery.  I am referring to the uuorst letter in the uuritten  uuord: The Double-u.
Uuhy do uue continue to use this uuaste of alphabetic space uuhen it can easily be replaced with tuuo “u”s as its ouun name suggests.
But uuait, there’s more.  Look at in your keyboard.  Go ahead, I’ll uuait.  See, it doesn’t even look like a double-u.  It’s a double-v, folks!
Nouu, I understand this uuill take some uuork on our part to get used to, but trust me uuhen that day comes, it uuill be uuonderful.
One more thing.  If this neuu method is not uuelcomed by the English speaking peoples of the uuorld, could uue at least spell the uuord “vacwm” thusly?
Thank you.
 I'm Karl Fogsen, thanks for reading.              

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Quickie...

                They were coming.
                Sam awoke with this thought.  Throughout the day he puttered around the house trying desperately to ignore his rising fear but by late afternoon the images in his mind began to overwhelm him.  The idea of his impending doom possessed him.  Thoughts of how other men faced their own death consumed him.
                He knew of men who had bravely faced their fate and accepted it.  He knew others who had even welcomed it when it came.  But he also knew that no man is truly immune to that final horror one feels as the life drains from you.
                It was these dark ruminations that haunted him as he stood at the kitchen sink absent mindedly wiping a dish with a cloth.  As he moved to place the plate in the drying rack it clinked against another.  His train of thought was broken.   His attention was drawn to the rapidly gathering dusk outside.  A sudden panic seized him.  The sun was gone and they would be coming.
                He gazed panic-stricken at the garden path.  There was something moving at the gate.  It fumbled clumsily with the lock and pushed its way through.  It began to shamble up the walk to the house.  Two other dark figures joined it.  They were small but Sam could see their awful visages.
                Sam ran to the front of the house.   He could hear them on the porch; their tiny voices in whispers.  There was a knock.  Then another.  The doorbell rang.
                Something in his mind drove Sam’s hand to the chain and slid it open.  He strove with himself not to open the door but his hands were seemingly commanded by some other will.  He opened the door a crack.  They were horrible to look upon.
                At once their faces split into grins and they shouted to him in unison, “Trick or Treat!”  Quickly Sam glanced at the bowl by the door.  It was as he feared.  It was empty.

I'm Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Just for information's sake...

E.L. James knew she wanted to hit it big by writing a popular book.  Many ideas and concepts came to her before she settled on her eventual best-seller Fifty Shades of Gray.  The following are just some of the possibilities she considered…
  1. Fifty Shades of Greyhounds:  A discussion of colour variances found in racing dogs.
  2. Fifty Sheets of Grey:  The story of a frustrated house wife who cannot seem to get her bedding clean enough on laundry day.
  3. Fifty Slates of Gray:  A geological treatise on metamorphic mudstone.
  4. Fifty States of Gray:  An alternate history fiction positing what life would be like if the Confederacy had won the Civil War.
  5. Fifty Shays and a Dray:  An examination of how many horse drawn carts are in a typical Amish community.
  6. Fifty Grades of Che:  A biographical work focusing on the school-life of Che Guevara.
And…
  1. Do Fifty Shots and Pray:  How to cope with yet another E.L. James book.
I'm Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Mystery...

“I must ask that none of you leave.  The murderer is in this room.”
                Chief Inspector Mansel Braminger keenly watched for reactions on the faces of those gathered around him.  Some were lightly dozing while others simply continued to preen, caring more deeply in their own appearance than his announcement.  But mostly he was met by the same vacant stares to which he had grown accustomed.
                “I see,” he said, “so this is how it will be.”
Only the faintest hint of disappointment crept into his voice.  In truth he preferred it this way.  The pleasure of the hunt would be spoiled if the prey were caught so easily.  He spun on his heel and pointed an accusing finger.
“Let’s start with you, Tom,” he began.  “When I found you starving and ragged in that London alley you begged me for a morsel of food.  I had pity on you and your one eye.  I brought you back here where I fed you and cleaned you, never imagining that I might be bringing a killer into my home.  J’Accuse!”
One-Eyed Tom blinked his remaining good eye.  Speechlessly he got up from his repose and walked out of the room.
A wave of embarrassment swept over Chief Inspector Braminger.  He suddenly felt he had been too hard on his old friend.
“Ah, hmm, well…,” he stammered, “I suppose it wasn’t him.”
The inspector watched the doorway for a moment then quickly recovered himself.  He turned back to the room to select another suspect.  He scanned the room till his eyes came across Princess Khala.  He narrowed his eyes.
“Then it must have been you, my dear.  What have you to say for yourself?” he asked pointedly.
Princess Khala said nothing.  Aloof by her Persian heritage, she continued to gaze out of the parlour window, disinterested in him and his accusations.
This lack of co-operation in the room began to grate upon Braminger.
“I demand to know who did this!  When I left this morning Gilda was alive and healthy.  She was having a swim.  Now there is no sign of her and one of you is to blame.”
Chief Inspector Braminger strode across the room and picked up a fish bowl.
“Look!  She’s gone,” he cried.
Silence filled the room.  Princess Khala was licking her tail.
“Blasted cats,” swore Braminger under his breath.

 I'm Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.

Dearth of a Salesman..

So, here's a little poem I wrote while contemplating my elbow...

Away out west where the earth meets the sky
There once roamed a man named Willie Devry
He was a wandrin’ man, wore a suit and a tie
Had a case of brushes for someone to buy

Staggered into town one hot fine day
Tryin’ to make a buck and earn his pay
Knocked on my door and I heard him say,
“Buy my brushes or I’ll be on my way.”

The price he quoted was a dollar and a cent
But I hadn’t any money, it had all been spent
I told him so and away he went
World’s never seen a more honest gent

Away out west where the earth meets the sky
There still roams a man named Willie Devry
He’s a wandrin’ man, wears a suit and a tie
Has a case of brushes for someone to buy

Never could get the hang of elbows...
I'm Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I really should start thinking of titles...

                As I sat in my overstuffed chair in the library of Morley Hall the deep winter night outside the window stood in stark contrast to the warm and golden glow cast by the fire in the hearth.  I had always come here when I was troubled.  It was my vain hope that the books would steep, brewing a “tea of knowledge”, as it were, from the musty air.  All I needed then would be to absorb it by spending a few pensive minutes there.
                My particular troubles as of late were of a financial nature.  The old family money had finally run out.  I was left with a staff I could not pay and a mansion I could not upkeep.  As I was going over several solutions that had come to me earlier in the day and finding them all unworkable, drowsiness overtook me.  I had just drifted off to sleep when I was awakened by a soft cough at my side.  I shook off the muzziness that afflicted me and looked up to find my butler offering me my usual nip of the juice as a nightcap.  As he bent to me and proffered the glass containing the stuff I noticed a small envelope on the salver.
                “What’s this, Blanford,” I asked taking the envelope.
                “My resignation sir,” he replied.
                “But… but… my man!  You’ve been with my family for years,” I managed, forgetting that I’d have to let the man go before the year was out.
                “Indeed sir, since I was a boy.  My grandfather served your grandfather as my father served yours.  There seems always to have been a Blanford at Morley Hall.” 
A wistful look came to his eye as he spoke and he began to move about the room.  Stopping by the mantelpiece he turned his gaze upward to the painting of my father that hung there.  Sitting nobly astride his horse and clad in full hunting garb the old man cut quite a romantic figure.
“I was there when your father sat for this painting.  I remember the weather was inclement that day and the horse was in a fractious mood.  The beast would not stay still and your father was becoming very cross.  Just at the height of his aggravation there came a great clap of thunder startling the horse and causing him to buck your father off into a puddle.”
Blanford lowered his eyes to the mantelpiece.  “And here.  I remember the day the lady dowager, your grandmother sir, obtained this fine torsion clock.  She claimed it had come from the household of Tsar Nicholas II and your mother hadn’t the heart to tell her it had only come from Harrod’s.  Many have been the times I have handled this clock.  Dusting it, winding it and resetting its hands when they were a tad off.  Just as if it were mine.  Indeed sir, as if the whole of Morley Hall were mine.  Which is why I wish to purchase it.”
                For the second time that evening the man had me speechless.  Luckily my quick wits came to my rescue.  “What?” I reposted cleverly.
                A slight hint of embarrassment crept into the man’s voice.  “I’ve won the sweepstakes, sir.  Quite a significant sum.”
                This time no brilliant quip came to me.  I sat in stunned silence gawping at the man like a haddock.
                “I am led to understand that the manor is in some difficulty, sir, and I find myself now in a position to aid us both,” said Blanford, filling the silence.
                “Well, yes,” I replied and as I spoke a light dawned.  The man was offering me a way out of the financial hole in which I found myself.  Overjoyed I looked at the man and said, “I would be honored to sell the old place to you, Blanford.”
I arose and shook the man’s hand vigorously.  A great weight had been lifted from my mind but as it was lifted another quickly replaced it.
                “But, Blanford, what shall I do?  I have no other home and no position to support myself.”
                At this his lips spread into a sly smile.  “Well, sir,” he said as he dropped into my chair, “I will need someone to butle for me.  Pour me a brandy, would you?”
                It was my turn to smile.
“Yes, Blan… yes, sir.”


-I am Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Did I mention My Brain Ain't Right?

                Aliens!  Right here in my garden!  I mean what’s a man to do if he can’t get any peace and quiet in the privacy of his own backyard?  Oh sure, they help with the weeding and they always turn the compost pile, but the eerie lights and other-worldly noises coming from my shed are causing the neighbors to give me dirty looks.
                I asked their leader, a tiny fellow named Gorblab[1], what possible interest my garden could hold for interstellar travelers such as themselves.  He just smiled, gave me a sly look and kept on pruning my petunias.
                This air of mystery which they keep about themselves is annoying enough, but what really burns my goat is that they won’t give me a lift to the market.  Here they are, with a spaceship that can travel the inter-galactic void but when I mention I’m running low on Cream-o-wheat[2] all I get are vague excuses like “quantum velocities are not to be used in planetary gravitational wells.” Whatever that means.[3]
                I guess I should count my blessings.  Fairies would have been worse.  The nuisance of their constant buzzing and humming would interrupt my naps and their incessant giggling would rankle me like fingernails on a chalkboard.[4]  Can you imagine bending down to sniff a lovely flower and finding some pixie’s bare bottom staring up at you from the center of the bloom?[5]
                So, I tolerate the spacemen in my solarium.  I have been and will remain a good host.  But I fear for the world’s farina supply.


[1] At least that’s what I think he said.  It’s kind of hard to understand these little fellows sometimes.  I don’t know where they learned to speak English.
[2] They eat this for every meal.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner and late night snack.
[3] Hell, if it means I have to pay for the gas I’ll do it.
[4] Let’s not even speak of their deep seated disregard for decorum with their blatant nudity.
[5] Contrary to popular belief pixie bottoms are not sweet smelling.

I am Karl Fogsen.  Thanks for reading.